Understanding and Addressing “Mom Rage” - It’s Not Just You
Motherhood is often socially portrayed as a serene and fulfilling journey, filled with tender moments and unconditional love. However, beneath this lies a reality, beyond the fatigue and overflowing responsibilities; something that many mothers face but few discuss openly - mom rage. Mom rage, often characterized by feelings of intense anger, frustration, and overwhelm, is a common but often misunderstood phenomenon.
What Do We Mean By “Mom Rage”?
Mom rage can manifest in a variety of ways, ranging from subtle signs of irritation to explosive outbursts of anger. Some mothers may find themselves snapping at their children over minor issues, while others may feel overwhelmed by a constant sense of frustration. In extreme cases, mom rage can lead to physical aggression or verbal abuse
Well-rounded studies related specifically to anger and rage and its relation to motherhood are somewhat limited. However, a recent research study conducted in 2023 showed that the prevalence of mom rage ranged between 23% and 89% of the women surveyed depending on how the feelings of anger were expressed. These statistics highlight the pervasive nature of mom rage and underscores the need to address it openly and honestly.
Causes of Mom Rage
Mom rage can be triggered by a variety of factors, both internal and external. Internal factors may include stress, fatigue, hormonal changes, or unresolved emotional issues that are triggered by the roles we play in our family. It can also be a symptom of a larger mental health or substance use issue.
External factors, such as lack of support, unrealistic expectations, or constant demands from children and family members, can also contribute to feelings of rage and overwhelm. Additionally, societal pressures and expectations placed on mothers can contribute to mom rage. The myth of the "perfect" mother, who is always patient, loving, and selfless, can create unrealistic expectations that can be impossible to meet. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy and frustration, which can fuel mom rage.
In my counselling sessions with clients, a common theme that emerges once we dig a bit deeper is the link between resentment and mom rage. Regardless of how old children are, whether newborns or teenagers, it is mom who’s normally the primary caregiver or “default parent.” Given the demands that this places on women, it can lead to neglect of self and even loss of self in different capacities, such as health, career, friendships or hobbies. This can lead to resentment, particularly if no one is caring for Mom while she’s caring for everyone else. Further, for women who have grown up with expectations of being “the good girl” who always does what’s expected, which is an often unspoken social reality for women, this can worsen feelings of resentment. Resentment, once it builds overtime, eventually erupts.
What to Do About It
If you find yourself struggling with mom rage, it's important to know that it’s not just you and that help is available. Here are some strategies to help you cope with mom rage:
1. Acknowledge Your Feelings: The first step in addressing mom rage is to acknowledge your feelings and accept that it's okay to feel angry or frustrated sometimes. Denying or suppressing your emotions will only make them more intense.
2. Identify Triggers: Pay attention to what triggers your mom rage. Is it a specific behavior or situation? Is it bringing up memories of past experiences that were painful? Once you identify your triggers, you can work on finding healthier ways to respond.
3. Practice Self-Care: Taking care of yourself is crucial in managing mom rage. Make time for activities that help you relax and recharge, as well as give you time to be YOU. This includes things like exercise, hobbies, taking a course, or spending time with friends.
4. Seek Support: Don't be afraid to reach out for help. Talk to a therapist, join a support group, or confide in a trusted friend or family member. Sharing your experiences can help you feel less alone and more understood.
5. Practice Somatics: Somatics or mindfulness techniques, such as breathing exercises and mindful movement, can help you stay present and calm in the face of anger or frustration, as well provide overall emotional regulation.
6. Set Boundaries: It's okay to set boundaries with your children and others to protect your mental and emotional well-being. Learn to say no and prioritize your own needs.
Final Thoughts
Mom rage is a complex issue that affects many mothers but help is available. Many of the recommendations above are often skills to be learned. Sharing openly with a trusted support person, such as in counselling, acknowledging the prevalence of mom rage and understanding its causes from a compassionate lens, we can begin to address it. You’re not alone.